Healthy Boundaries & How to Recognize Emotional Intelligence.
What Are Healthy Boundaries?
Boundaries are personal guide lines we set for ourselves in order to know how to relate to those in our world.
Everyone defines their own boundaries as they are determined by our own personal feeling body.
Our feeling body tells us what is right or wrong for us. It tells us how we want to be treated by other’s. It is our compass.
Week Boundary Indicators:
* Saying no when you mean yes, or saying yes when we mean no.
* Letting ourselves be persuaded by someone else desires.
* Feeling guilty when we say no to others.
* When we resist listening to our own values, beliefs or integrity, in order to please others.
* Not speaking or standing up for ourselves when we have something to say. (Brushing issues under the rug)
* Adapting someone else’s beliefs or ideas in order to be liked by them.
* Allowing others to interrupt or distracted us while we are doing something in order to accommodate their immediate wants or needs.
* Not calling someone out who has mistreated you.
* Accepting physical touch or sex when you don’t want it.
* Allowing those who are close to you to withdraw without an explanation.
* Giving to much just to be perceived as useful.
* Not defining what you accept in your relationships.
* Becoming overly involved in someone else’s problems or difficulties.
* Accepting others inappropriate language, emotional or physical abuse toward you.
Strong Boundary Indicators:
* When we listen and nurture what feels right for us in any given situation. (Self Awareness)
* When we can stand up for our needs regardless of what the other wants us to do.
* Not allowing others actions and words to affect us.
* When we no longer fear abandonment because we listened to our own inner knowing rather then that of the crowd.
* When we understand that others don’t know what is best for us, and trusting that only we can determine what is best for ourselves.
* When we can communicate our truth and are sure that we were heard.
* By not pretending we are someone that we are not. (Mask Wearing)
* When we no longer need approval from others.
* When we can be comfortable with our own company.
* When we can spend quality time with ourselves in contemplation without feeling guilty.
* Ability to say no and mean it.
* Owning and taking responsibility when you are wrong.
* Have a strong sense of self respect and integrity.
* Not fearing what others will say or do because you voiced your needs.
* Being open to other people ideas and opinions, but trusting in your own inner guidance.
* Trusting that those who love you will respect your feeling body as much as you do and that you will return that
* Knowing that boundaries are not selfish, but rather self nurturing.
* Not believing in everything that hear or read about.
* Trusting that we’ll be guided in the right direction once we listen to our feeling body.
* Deciding to feel good instead of ignoring our needs for others needs.
Messages that confuse our need to set firm boundary lines:
Essentially the message is; “Do what I want instead”.
* Stop being self centered… (Do what I want instead.)
* Don’t be a bitch….or other name calling.
* Putting your feeling before mine is being selfish and self-serving.
* It’s not all about you!
* No one will love you the way I do… so do as I want or else…
* Do as I say, not as I do.
* Kids are to be seen not heard.
12 Guidelines to Remember:
1. Never feel ashamed for the way that you feel.
2. Remember putting other peoples feeling, ideas or desires above ours is only “Self Sacrificing ”
3. Drawing healthy boundary lines takes practice as most of us were taught otherwise.
4. All of this is essentially about communication between our feeling body and then with the others in our life.
5. Building self respect eliminates emotional control by others.
6. Reclaiming respect for our feeing body helps us to better define who we are, what our purpose is and is key to
7. You have a right to stand up for yourself.
8. Caring for others comes from caring for ourselves first.
9. Remember you are now a responsible adult who can break the habit of self abandonment from the feeling body. You know longer need to cave into what others want for you instead of what you need for yourself.
10. Depression comes from self abandonment of the feeling body. It is a red flag that suggests that you are in some way not trusting your feelings that need validation. If the people in our lives truly love and respect us then freedom of
expression will go both ways.
11. None of the above is selfish. All of this is necessary in order to treat others with the same respect in which we treat ourselves.
12. Healthy communication can be accomplished by setting time aside for ourselves and others to talk and truly listen
without multi tasking while do so.
* Asking our loved one to repeat what we've just said insures that we've both understood what the other said.
Don't be afraid to reorganize your phrases and to utilize brain storming for problem solving and compromise.
Not doing so is:
✓ Forces us to wear masks and to be someone we are not which leads to feeling lost, purposeless, unable to plan our
future, set goals, or create new pathways.
✓ Leaves us wanting others to accept us for who we are, even though we don’t even know who we are. We’re left feeling confused and unable to make positive choices for ourselves.
✓ Makes us feel like a victim instead of empowered.
Good Luck… With practice, I know you can achieve these skills and live a happier life!
Signs That You Lack Emotional Intelligence
Mauriel Maignan Wilkins
December 31, 2014
Harvard Business Review Article;
Signs That You Lack Emotional Intelligence:
In my ten years as an executive coach, I have never had someone raise his hand and declare that he needs to work on his emotional intelligence. Yet I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard from people that the one thing their colleague needs to work on is emotional intelligence. This is the problem: Those who most need to develop it are the ones who least realize it. The data showing that emotional intelligence is a key differentiator between star performers and the rest of the pack is irrefutable. Nevertheless, there are some who never embrace the skill for themselves — or who wait until it’s too late.
Self-awareness or empathy are hallmarks of emotional intelligence.
Here are some of the telltale signs that you need to work on your emotional intelligence:
• You often feel like others don’t get the point and it makes you impatient and frustrated.
• You’re surprised when others are sensitive to your comments or jokes and you think they’re overreacting.
• You think being liked at work is overrated.
• You weigh in early with your assertions and defend them with rigor.
• You hold others to the same high expectations you hold for yourself.
• You find others are to blame for most of the issues on your team.
• You find it annoying when others expect you to know how they feel.
If you recognize yourself in this list check out these four strategies:
1. Get feedback;
You can’t work on a problem you don’t understand.
A critical component of emotional intelligence is self-awareness — this is the ability to recognize and stay cognizant of behaviors in the moment.
Don’t just find excuses for your behavior. That defeats the purpose. Rather, listen to the feedback, try to understand it, and own it.
Resist from becoming defensive. Own it and became determined to change.
2. Beware of the gap between intent and impact. Those with weak emotional intelligence often underestimate what a negative impact their words and actions have on others. They ignore the gap between what they mean to say and what others actually hear.
Here are some common examples of what those with low emotional intelligence may say and how it’s actually heard:
What you say: “At the end of the day, it’s all about getting the work done.”
What others hear: “All I care about is the results and if some are offended along the way, so be it.”
What you say: “If I can understand it, anyone can.”
What others hear: “You’re not smart enough to get this.”
What you say: “I don’t see what the big deal is.”
What others hear: “I don’t really care how you feel.”
Regardless of what you intend to mean, think about how your words are going to impact others and whether that’s how you want to them to feel.
Consider the impact of your words. Before every meeting, spend a few minutes asking yourself:
What is the impression I want to make?
How do I want people to feel about me at the end?
How do I need to frame my message to reach that objective?
3. Press the pause button:
Having high emotional intelligence means making choices about how you respond to situations, rather than having a knee-jerk reaction.
Don’t interrupt and shoot down other people’s ideas before they could complete their thoughts. This behavior was a reaction to his fear of losing control of the discussion and wasting time.
There are two important pauses to take:
Pause to listen to yourself.
Remind yourself that you fear losing control and are determined to not respond, or lash out but rather listen to others.
Listening means helping others feel like you’ve understood them (even if you don’t agree with them). It’s not the same as not saying anything. It’s simply giving others a chance to convey their ideas before you jump in.
4. Wear both shoes. People often suggest you “put yourself in the other person’s shoes” to develop empathy, a key component of emotional intelligence, but you shouldn’t dismiss how you feel. You need to wear both shoes — understanding both your agenda and theirs and seeing any situation from both sides.
Shift your approach from with these statements; “Here are my concerns” to “These are my issues, and I hear your concerns. Let’s determine a way forward that takes both into consideration.”
Strengthening your emotional intelligence takes commitment, discipline, and a genuine belief in its value. With time and practice, though, you’ll find that the results you achieve far outweigh the effort it took to get there.
During Our Primary Years:
✓ We believe others would abandon us if we expressed our feelings.
✓ We lacked healthy modeling of boundaries by our piers or family members.
✓ We were told what we saw, felt or understood was not real.
✓ We were told to be quite and that our opinion and feelings were silly, leaving us feeling less then…
✓ We were told that it is not ok to feel what we are feeling and to change our attitude toward what the parent or
guardian wanted instead.
✓ We were told to suck it up and get over it.
✓ We are told to grow up and deal…
✓ We were told to stop fantasizing and deal with what is “real”.
✓ Over time we learned to ignore our feeling body.
Healthy Boundaries & Recognizing Emotional Intelligence.